Man Movies: The Magnificent Seven

Westerns are manly. With one of the best war-to-love ratios in cinema, these movies can put hair on anybody's chest. Let's face it, the new 'True Grit' doesn't exactly scream 'Date Nite Movie'. (The True Grits, by the way, will both undoubtedly find their way onto this blog sooner or later.)

The King of the Westerns is no different, this sucker has more testosterone in a single frame than most movies have in an hour. Let me give the names of some of the men starring in this movie : Yul Brenner, Steve McQueen, James Coburn, Charles Bronson. What you have here is not the cast of a 'Pride and Prejudice' remake, it's a list of the 1960's 'Most He-Manly, Macho, and Otherwise Legit Dudes.' Let's dive into this raging inferno of masculinity and see what we can find.

1) Never Back Down. Never Quit. Never Give In.

"Nobody throws me my own guns and tells me to run. Nobody." -Britt.

Taking on 30 bandits with 7 gunfighters and a handful of frightened farmers isn't any fighter's dream situation, but Chris and the rest of the Seven stay and fight to the death. Real men don't back down just because the odds get long. Even after Calvera takes control of the village, they don't bolt for the border, they don't make excuses, they get back in the fight.

2) Integrity First.

Chris: You forget one thing: we took a contract.

Vin: It's not the kind any court would enforce.

Chris: That's just the kind you got to keep.

This lesson ties in with the first. The Seven could have sold-out the villagers to Calvera and walked away without a fight and with their money. Throughout the whole movie there is nobody forcing them to stay and fight. The villagers can't do anything to them, the whole reason the Seven is down in Mexico is because the farmers were such poor fighters. Yet they stayed, even after the villagers sell them out. In the end the cost for their integrity is high: 4 out of the 7 die in the final battle. If righteousness was easy, it would be a perfect world.

3) This Quote: "You think I am brave because I carry a gun; well, your fathers are much braver because they carry responsibility... I have never had this kind of courage" -Bernardo O'Riley

4) Be a Good Mentor.

The only member of the Seven to hit it off with the village boys is easily the most unexpected one: Bernardo O'Riley. A grizzled, half Mexican, half Irish mercenary gunfighter with leather for a face, Bernardo doesn't exactly make you think 'emotional warmth' when you first see him. However, he manages to teach the village boys to get past their shallow, macho-man idea of manhood and concentrate on substance and character. You can be 'The Man', but if you don't pass it down, what you know is just going to die with you.

I have one more thing to say about this movie. It doesn't have anything to with manhood, it's just interesting. At the time of filming, the Mexican government was tired of having the country portrayed in American cinema as a filthy, stinking, uncivilized crap hole. To be allowed to film in the country, the producers had to portray the Mexican villagers in a more favorable light than first planned. First, the script was changed so the villagers first went to buy guns to defend themselves, only hiring gunmen after finding it would be cheaper. Second, all the villagers' clothes are always perfectly clean, no matter the situation. The Seven could get filthy, the bandits could get filthy, but never the villagers (watch the movie and you'll see what I'm talking about).

The Magnificent Seven: a film so amazing even political correctness couldn't ruin it.

Disney's Top 10 Manliest Men

Unlike today's kids, the people from my generation were blessed with growing up in an era when Disney made things that didn't suck (Pixar excepted). No matter who you are, unless you grew up Amish, the Disney animated films of the 90's were probably a big part of your childhood.

As the leader in children's entertainment, Disney had a lot of influence. Was this influence particularly MANLY? Heck no. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you saw Disney market anything specifically for boys? Still, every dark cloud has a silver lining. I've cut through the legion of pretty boys and found 10 guys from the Disney stable who exhibit manliness in one form or another.

Movie in parenthesis.

Counting down:

10) Fa Zhou ( Mulan): This man doesn't get much screen time, but from what we see we can infer that he did some totally awesome army stuff back in 'The Day'. Example: the armor in his closet, his brief display of swordsmanship, Mulan saying he has already fought for China, and -here's the kicker- Captain Li Shang calls him "THE Fa Zhou.' Anytime you are known in the military as 'THE' you've done something legit. And he's not too shabby as a dad either.

9) Li Shang (Mulan): Considering this movie is the closest thing Disney has ever made to a war film, it isn't surprising that it's only movie with two men on this list. Li Shang is a top military academy grad (manly), is skilled in martial arts (also manly), and turns a bunch of farm boys into good soldiers (very manly). He loses points though, because Mulan has to save his bacon twice in 90 minutes. I'm sorry, but needing to be repeatedly pulled out of physical danger (which men are better capable of handling due to naturally stronger anatomy) by a girl is gonna cost you some man points.

8) Hercules ( Hercules, duh ): Not much to say about him, since Disney made him a pretty flat farm-boy-turned-hero stereotype. Suffice to say, killing monsters and rescuing damsels in distress secures your manhood. I might have ranked him higher, but not all guys have Zeus' DNA in their veins, so he was pushed back a few spots for unfair advantage.

7) John Silver ( Treasure Planet): Being an old-school pirate might be a cool profession, but it's not very honorable. The whole objective of the job is to attack easy prey and steal their stuff, thus avoiding honest work. That fact keeps this cyborg from an underrated film from climbing higher on the list. Still, he's one tough hombre and he turns Jim Hawkins from the fast track to the Juvie to the path of Navy Officer. That's more than a lot of men can say.

6) Mr. Incredible (The Incredibles): He's big, he's strong, he's a superhero, he learns to get over his past and be a good family man in the present. And he kills a giant robot. 'Nuff said.

5) The Beast ( Beauty and the Beast): Seriously, have you seen this mench? Easily the most intimidating good guy Disney has, he is called just 'The Beast' for roughly 95% of the movie. There isn't a red-blooded man on the planet who wouldn't love to be called 'The Beast'. However, he goes emo near the end of the movie when Belle leaves and he doesn't even try to defend his castle. Dude, some unwashed villagers are rampaging through your crib and wrecking your stuff. Get down there and JACK THEM UP!!!

4) Robin Hood ( The Adventures of Robin Hood): Forget the man in tights, because this Robin Hood doesn't even wear pants (being a furry woodland creature has advantages ). He's got romantic 'skillz' and guts, and dedicating your life to fighting oppression does have a certain ring to it. His two top exploits are sneaking into an archery tournament that's crawling with soldiers just to get a kiss from his lady love (it's only stupid if you get killed), and going back to save that little rabbit girl, even though that too almost gets him killed. Not a bad resume.

3) Prince Phillip ( Sleeping Beauty): This guy does it old school. Back before you could get away with splitting the bill 50/50 and some nutjobs started saying being chivalrous meant you were a misogynist pig, you had to have a backbone to have a chance with a girl. When his princess got put in a dark-magic coma he just busted out of Maleficent's dungeon, hacked his way through a forest of thorns, and sent that sorceress into the infernal regions. He then proceeded to march straight up the tower steps and kissed Aurora right smack-dab on the lips like he did it every day (kudos for confidence). Admittedly, having the 'Three Good Fairies' on your side isn't quite as awesome as having say, Gandalf the Grey, but whatcha gonna do?

2) Quasimodo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame): There are plenty of places less cool to crash than the bell tower of the most famous church in Europe. He also has some serious upper body strength -you saw him maneuver around that church- and is an expert woodworker (an uber-manly hobby). And when Judge Frollo tries to have Esmerelda burned in his little French Inquisition, Quasi doesn't just throw the Book at Frollo, he throws the whole church. I know you're wondering who could possibly be studly enough to top all this, so without further ado, I give you Disney's Alpha Male:

1) Mufasa (The Lion King): Every pore of this dude oozes manliness. He's voiced by James Earl Jones. He rules the Pride Lands with justice and all kinds of good stuff. He dies saving his son from a herd of wildebeests. Then, despite being DEAD he tells Simba to grow up and start acting like a man, keeping the cycle of studly-ness going. Yeah, he's a man.

So there you have it, Disney's Manliest Men. I hope you enjoyed this post, there will some more serious posts later.